Excitement, fear, joy, angst, relief – my stomach is turning, my mind is all over the place and though my heart is torn and I don’t know where my next pay check will come from, I couldn’t be happier. I knew from the beginning you weren’t the one for me but I stuck it out anyways. I stuck it out to prove to the world I could do it, to make my boyfriend and our parents proud, to fit in with the careers my friends had, to enjoy the freedom of financial stability and to try and excel at making a career in an industry I had minimal interest in. Who was I trying to kid other than myself? Five years ago, I made the conscious decision to quit my job and travel the world because it was sucking my soul dry. It didn’t fulfil my creative yearnings; my work life balance was non-existent and I learned early on that a decent wage doesn’t keep me interested in the long run.
So why did I do it again?
I did it because I felt I owed it to you to try. As an American immigrant welcomed into this beautiful country with open arms I wanted to demonstrate I’m worth it. Following two years of job hunting, trying to get employers to look past the stigma of my work visa and some not so favourable work experiences, you gave me the opportunity to sit down for an interview. You took a chance on me.
I’ll never forget the night I received the phone call offering me the job. My boyfriend and I gave each other the biggest hug and literally jumped up and down for joy around the room the minute I hung up. We were so thankful I finally caught a break. A new page in my book was about to turn and we both couldn’t be more excited. I set a career goal for myself and here it finally was. I thought you were what I wanted. I thought everything you had to offer justified sitting behind a desk five days a week even though I learned a long time ago that being confined to a desk just doesn’t do it for me. I thought you were going to be different.
Silly me for trying to convince myself otherwise. It pains me that I was so wrong. All the signs were there from the beginning. I was miserable. Again, day in and day out my soul was suffocating and my spirit was being crushed. Although I wished I followed my gut and got out earlier please know I don’t take for granted what you have given me. The knowledge I’ve gained, the laughs I had and the tears I’ve shed followed by the many hard lessons learned will forever be a part of me. As a personality with a tough exterior you sure did challenge me. I am looking forward to the break and not having to put on a brave face every day. I’m exhausted.
Thank you for reminding me of something I realised a long time ago. This is my life and before I worry about making everyone around me happy I need to make sure I am following through with what truly makes me satisfied and the rest will follow. Although this entire experience truly has been bittersweet, through the lack of support and empty promises I realized you let go a long time ago. It’s time for me to do the same. This is my goodbye. I’m breaking up with you.